Anyone who has spent a few nights in a hospital knows how stressful the experience can be. In addition to physical pain or discomfort, nighttime interruptions by hospital staff and the steady beeping of bedside monitors can make sleeping difficult. Worries about one’s health, insurance coverage, or unmet responsibilities at work or home create tension and anxiety, emotions hostile to the healing process.
As a visitor, the more you’re aware of such challenges, the more effectively you can respond to the patient whether a friend, family member or co-worker.
This article explores ways to be supportive when visiting a patient. You’ll find that these guidelines apply, in varying degrees, to a wide range of patient situations.
1. Call ahead. It can be awkward for patient, visitors and staff when there are several people crowding a hospital room. That’s why some hospitals limit the number of visitors to 2-3 at a time. It can be equally uncomfortable for the patient to have to play host, making introductions for a variety of visitors who may not know each other and had hoped for a private visit. Ask the patient the best time for you to stop by; if there’s no answer, call and ask the attending nurse at the nurses’ station. They should be able to give you an idea as to the best time to visit based on the patient’s care schedule.
2. Visit healthy. If you have a cold or cough or are just getting over the flu, stay home. Patients with compromised immune systems are particularly susceptible to acquiring viruses and other infections. Even if you’re healthy, make use of hand sanitizers before and after your visit.
3. Avoid scents. Strong aromas from perfumes, colognes and some foods and flowers food can be irritating, or even nauseating, to a patient.
4. Keep visits short. The person could be drowsy due to medications or lack of sleep. They may not have the energy to sustain a conversation. They might have already had visitors that day or are expecting others. Pay attention to their signals. Are they yawning? Are their eyelids at half-mast? Are they speaking with less energy than they did when you arrived? Are you doing all of the talking? These are cues that you’ve overstayed you’re welcome. Don’t wait around for hints! Unless they beg you to stay, limit your visit to 15-30 minutes.
5. Listen. Our response to another’s suffering may be to try to distract them with entertaining stories or a detailed report on our lives. Depending on the patient’s situation, such offerings could be “just the right medicine.” But for some patients, the most supportive and comforting thing a visitor can do is to talk sparingly, on light topics, and listen.
Ask, “How are you doing?” and then let them answer without interruption. Whether they say simply “Okay” or pour out their frustrations and fears, you’re being present for them, a not-so-small way of showing that you care. It may be enough to respond to their comments with a simple show of empathy, such as “I can see how hard this is for you. I’m so sorry you’re suffering.”
When nervous in hospital surroundings, some visitors become chatterboxes. If necessary, get comfortable with silence. Quietly watching TV with the person may be just the right gesture of companionship and support when there are no words.
6. Reach out. Especially for those without family near, a hospital stay can be a lonely or scary experience. Nurses know that even a pat on a patient’s arm or back can release endorphins that trigger feelings of well-being while sending the comforting message, “I care.” We all have different boundaries when it comes to physical contact, but if it feels appropriate, consider giving the person a pat, a squeeze, or offering the comfort of your hand in theirs. These are small gestures, but they have the potential to communicate more support or reassurance than words possibly could.
7. Ask about and respect their wishes. Hospitalized people feel a loss of control. Doctors tell them what they can eat, what tests and procedures they’ll undergo, and when they’ll be discharged. But you, as a visitor, can help restore your friend’s sense of control by asking about their preferences and giving them choices whenever possible. A few examples:
“Have I come at a good time?”
“May I visit you again?”
“Is there anything you’d like me to bring?”
“Would you prefer that I call or text you?”
“How can I help to support you or your caretakers while you’re here?”
“Would you like to pray together?”
“Would you like some privacy for a few minutes?”
“Is there anyone you’d like me to contact?”
“Would you prefer I don’t discuss my visit with our co-workers?”
If you happen to be part of the patient’s core support team, one of the most helpful questions you can ask is whether they want visitors, whom they’d like to visit, and when. Then, when you contact the selected people prepare them for their visit by sending them a link to this blog post!
8. Respect their privacy. It’s up to each patient to decide which information feels appropriate to share and which does not. Unless he or she volunteers the information, be careful about asking questions that could seem nosey or insensitive, such as “Will your insurance cover all this?” “Could I see the wound?” or “What did the doctors say were your chances of survival?”
Respect their privacy and be tactful with questions. Privacy is also important for patients during doctor consultations and various routine procedures. When the doctor, nurse or technician makes an appearance, ask if they’d prefer that you leave the room. The patient might ask you to stay if they want you to listen in on the consultation or be an advocate for them.
9. Assume they can hear you. A patient with closed eyes could simply be resting, and even one in a coma could be completely aware of conversations. Let this awareness guide what you say and don’t say in their presence. After several days in hospice, during which time my father hadn’t spoken or opened his eyes, I spoke quietly to others in the room about how jarring it had been when he’d called me from his hospital bed, a few weeks earlier, in the wee hours, in drug-induced confusion. Several hours after my fellow visitors had left, I realized my father had heard every word when he whispered to me, “I’m sorry.” Always assume they can hear you.
10. Yield the chair. Most hospital rooms have two or three chairs for visitors. If you’re visiting a friend and their family members arrive, give them your chair. Consider, too, that they may want to visit their loved one privately. Unless they invite you to stay, it may be time to make your exit.
Final Thought. If you make a visitor blunder don’t obsess over it. Most patients will remember what’s important: that you made the effort to drive to the hospital and sit with them at a time when they needed to be reminded that people care.