Oh, the possibilities are horrible. And endless. During your pitch presentation, you realize that your prospective client’s name is misspelled on every slide.

You tell the boss you’re coming to her retirement party—and then remember the party was supposed to be a surprise.

You send an email claiming “Sam is a psychopath” to a coworker—who forwards it to Sam.

The resulting emotion? Mortification. From the root word “mort,” meaning death. Which is exactly what we wish for at such moments. And as swiftly as possible.

Unless you are a Perfect Human Being, you’ve had occasion to make a few horror-stricken mea culpas in your lifetime. At such moments, you probably apologized immediately and profusely:

• “I am so terribly, awfully sorry. What I said/did was inexcusable.”
• “That was grossly out of character for me. Please forgive me.”
• “I was not at my best. I let you down and I let myself down.”
• “There are no words to convey how horrible I feel about this. I will work very hard to earn back your trust.”
• “Take this sword and run it through me. Now. Please. I beg you.”

Unless you’re grossly incompetent or a chronic loose cannon, you don’t make mortified apologies very often. Rather, you apologize occasionally for relatively minor offenses in which your basic decency or judgment are not called into question. In this post, we’ll look at how best to apologize for transgressions large or small.

Why apologize?
A sincere apology can do a world of good. It shows respect for the offended party, demonstrates empathy, responsiveness, and integrity, invites forgiveness, and, for the most serious personal offenses opens the door to healing.

Owning up to our wrongs is necessary for the health of any relationship. Effective apologies allow feelings of goodwill to flow again. Within work teams, an apology might be all it takes to quickly restore equilibrium in the affected relationship and get both parties’ morale back on track. It’s worth noting that seeking forgiveness is not just a human thing: Many primates have been observed humbling themselves before group members whom they’ve offended. (And just like humans, the apologies are not always accepted!) Whether primate or human, group cohesion and survival depend on the ability to work through conflict. “I’m sorry” remains an invaluable means to that end.

The right stuff
The word “integrity” is found in many corporate statements of ethics or core values. And one of the most powerful demonstrations of integrity is a swift, well-spoken apology. Why so powerful? Because you rise above pride, rise above fears of being blamed, shamed, or punished, and assume responsibility for your actions. That can take real courage, especially in fiercely competitive work environments in which any show of vulnerability is considered a liability. An apology calls us to the high road. Made effectively, it combines honesty, humility, empathy, and accountability—virtues in anyone’s book. Expressing regret is no guarantee of forgiveness, of course, but with no show of regret, forgiveness is a long shot.

So, what makes for a good apology? That is, what characteristics make it easiest for the recipient to accept your conciliatory offer?

Speed. Don’t wait to address the issue. The longer you wait to apologize, the greater the strain on the relationship and the more your integrity may be questioned. In most cases, it is far easier to apologize than be confronted for not having apologized. Human nature being what it is, we can become defensive or combative even when confronted about things that we know we messed up, making the situation even messier. “Ok, I KNOW I was mean to you. Maybe I was having a bad day, OKAAAAY?”

Directness. It’s respectful to apologize in the person’s presence. If that’s not feasible, call them. The message that comes through in your body language and/or tone of voice will carry more meaning than words in an email. (Don’t even consider a texted apology unless it’s “Sorry I’m running late.”) Email can be useful, however, for minor infractions or to break the ice for a future discussion, as in “Tory, I’m afraid I treated you unfairly this morning and I’m very sorry about that. I’ll give you a call at my next opportunity today.” Email may also be a good option when you need to apologize to multiple people, or if you are feeling emotionally unprepared to make a phone call or face-to-face apology.

Impact on them. Sometimes “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. You also need to acknowledge the harm or inconvenience your words or actions caused them—so that they know you really get it. “Sheila, by not sending you the update I was responsible for your giving our customers incorrect information, which I know was embarrassing for you and frustrating for them.”

Impact on you. Tell them how your error has made you feel—so that they can see your apology is not an empty one. “I feel embarrassed/ bad/ terrible about that.” Be careful, though, not to make the apology about your suffering. You are not the injured party. Even though they might graciously attempt to make you feel better, it’s not their job to do so.

Reasons. If appropriate, help the person understand—as briefly as possible—how or why the regrettable situation came about. Providing a reason doesn’t mean you’re denying responsibility; it means that, in the interest of clarity, you want to give a more complete picture of what happened. “I was immersed in editing the annual report and completely spaced out on sending you the update, which was my responsibility to send you.” A small detail like that, if truthful, could help remove any suspicion that your oversight was typical or malicious, or that you were playing Solitaire at the time.

Action. After you apologize, tell them exactly what you will do or have already done to correct the error or compensate for your actions. If you don’t know what actions to take, ask them. Also tell them what you will do to avoid repeating the error, whether generally—“I’ll pay closer attention next time,” or specifically—“As of today, Sheila, your name is the first that will appear in my group emails, so you’ll never again be left out.”

Ownership. Sometimes an apology opens the door for the recipient to legitimately claim part of the responsibility for the issue. This certainly makes reconciliation easier. But if you sense that the person is offering to share the blame only as a polite way to help you save face, such as “I appreciate your apology, but I should’ve made sure I had the most current information before I contacted the customer,” maintain your integrity by owning the oversight: “No, Sheila, you were right to presume the information was current and acted in good faith. I dropped the ball. It’s on me.” That’s what integrity sounds like.

Closure. Once your apology is verbally accepted, don’t continue apologizing to the person in the mistaken belief that more is better— even if they seem to treat you coldly. Especially when trust has been breached, some incidents could require a longer recovery period. The offended person might even hope that you suffer for a while, to lengthen your punishment. But once you’ve apologized and offered to make amends, it’s out of your hands. Move on. An ongoing “apology campaign” will bother them more than the thing you apologized for.

Should managers apologize? 
Of course. A manager who apologizes models the integrity he or she expects from the staff. As a result, the team’s trust in the manager is likely to increase. There may even be a boost in morale. Studies show what may be intuitively obvious: whether the manager takes responsibility for an act of incompetence,  poor judgment, or a moral failing, both the manager and staff benefit from the freedom of that unburdening. The air is cleared; grievances resolved; wrongs righted. Peace befalls the kingdom.

I hope you found this article useful. If you didn’t, I’m sorry.