Photo by Elien Dumon on Unsplash

My elderly father once discreetly—and rather desperately—asked a nurse to tell his visitor, a caring but high-strung chatterbox, that visiting hours were over (they weren’t). He just couldn’t bring himself to ask someone to leave who’d cared enough to come see him. The nurse later gave him her golden advice: “They’ll go away if you fall asleep.”

Unless you’ve been hospitalized yourself or have some experience attending the sick, you may be unaware of certain visitor behaviors that can make things truly unpleasant for the patient.

None of us intends to add to the stress of the person we’re visiting. And yet, we’re all capable of doing just that—especially when worried about the patient or uneasy in a hospital environment (which is most of us). Ultimately, the best way to avoid adding to a patient’s anxiety is by managing your own. Here are seven behaviors to avoid when visiting someone in the hospital.

1. Complaining. Listening to others complaining is tiring; for patients it’s exhausting — they simply don’t have the energy for others’ problems. A friend once told me of the resentment she felt for her adult children who, despite her multiple hospitalizations for a life-threatening illness continued to call and text her for help with their daily personal crises. Like my father, she hadn’t found a way to comfortably let her needs be known.

Some complaints have an “edge.” If you are at all inconvenienced by the patient’s hospitalization, complaining can come across—however unintentionally—as guilt-tripping:

“I can barely function without you.”

“I haven’t been able to sleep since you’ve been here.”

“The traffic gets worse every time I drive here.”

“I’ve had to take on your workload at the office.”

Think twice before complaining to patients who have their own problems and are unable to do anything about yours. The beleaguered coworker needs only to say, “We miss you at the office” and the stressed-out spouse, “It’s been challenging without you at home, but I’m handling it.”

2. Telling horror stories. Keep the conversation positive. Avoid telling the patient how your uncle had a similar surgery that went terribly wrong or that your neighbor went to the hospital for a routine procedure and acquired a lasting infection. To confirm the patient’s existing fears or supply them with new ones is thoughtless at best, reckless at worst.

Conversely, if the patient speaks matter-of-factly about symptoms or treatments you find disturbing, reacting with a show of horror or disgust could make them feel worse about their experience (unless, of course,they’re trying to get that reaction from you!). Instead, focus on the human being that you’re there to support, take a breath, and respond with empathy. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

3. Undermining their treatment program. “Why on earth did your doctor prescribe that medicine?” “Are you sure this surgery was necessary?” If you have doubts or contrary medical opinions, either keep them to yourself or ask the person, with an unmistakable tone of respect, if they’d like to hear them. At a certain point, the volume of well-meaning advice and suggestions can be overwhelming for people facing health challenges. If they resist your input, don’t persist. Focus instead on how you can help support them with the plan they have in place rather than try to steer them in the direction you think is best for them.

4. Alarming them. Panic is contagious. If you see something you’re concerned about, stay calm. Exclaiming “Ohmygod, look how swollen your leg is!” or “Your numbers are off the charts—something must be wrong with your medications!” could send their stress levels soaring. If you see or hear something that upsets you, don’t draw the patient into your drama. Step outside to speak about it privately (out of the patient’s earshot) to the doctor or nursing staff.

5. Driving them crazy with fussing. Depending on the relationship, you may have the opportunity to provide not only company for the patient but help in seeing to their comfort and care. Some helpers, however, feel anxious in the hospital environment and are worried about being inadequate as a patient advocate. Their discomfort may lead them to hover and fuss to the extent that the patient—the very person whose healing they are there to support—becomes ill at ease:

Well-meaning Visitor: Are you sure you don’t want the bed raised? You’ll tell me when you want it raised, right? Shouldn’t that bandage be changed by now? Are you warm enough? That soup should be reheated—don’t you want it reheated? Let me fluff your pillow again. Where’s that nurse? How’s your pain level? Should I raise the bed now? Are you sure?

Now, each of the details in that example might be absolutely worthy of attention. But if you are too intense in your efforts to help, whether too jumpy, bossy with the patient, or hostile to the staff, you run the risk of agitating the patient. Don’t be the person they wish would leave! The best way to support a hospitalized person is to be calmly attentive.

Calmly attentive.

Be aware of your emotions and the impact you’re having on the person in the bed. Breathe from the belly, not the chest: deeper breathing will help you be more responsive and less reactive. Keep your eyes and jaw relaxed. Fuss and fidget less. If the patient seems comfortable with silence, resist the impulse to converse.

6. Shaming them. Nobody who is laid up in a hospital wants the additional strain of feeling criticized or accused. Yet, intended or not, some visitor comments can have that effect. Few patients feel comforted by comments like these:

Negatively Comparing: “Wow — you’re still in the hospital? My brother had what you had and was out in two days.”

Competing for Sympathy: “At least there are medications for your condition. There’s nothing my doctors can do for me.”

Psycho-spiritual probing: “What do you think is the lesson your cancer is trying to teach you?” or “Do you think that maybe on an unconscious level you chose to bring this on yourself?”

Minimizing: “I just walked by three hospital rooms where the people are in far worse shape than you are” or “God never gives us more than we can handle.”

Blaming: “If you’d only taken my advice this wouldn’t have happened to you.”

7. Disturbing the peace. To a person in need of rest and relaxation, bursting into their hospital room with high energy is like suddenly turning on a leaf blower. Take a low-key approach until you can gauge their mood. Even if the patient is cheered by your exuberance, neighboring patients might not appreciate the hubbub. For that reason, it’s also considered a courtesy to avoid bringing young children into the hospital room or letting children of any age play noisy video games. And take any disagreements between family members way outside the room. Do your part to keep the peace.

In case you’re wondering about the photo above, that’s Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia at the far right, visiting hospital patients in 1915. You can be sure that she never complained to them about the traffic.

Thanks for reading. If you or someone you know is scheduled for a hospital stay, feel free to share this article with friends, families, and colleagues — before they visit. In the meantime, read my post about how to be a better visitor.

Paul Quinn helps people at all levels of leadership—from C-suite to the front lines—to create presentations that win big for the presenter, their organization, and audience. SeeThePotential.net